http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2013/02/what-i-want-you-to-know-about-growing.html
Recently I read an article by a very talented blogger and fellow mother. I have to say I was really put off by some of the things that she said. Here is my rebuttal and affirmation, for all of us stay-at-home-and-work-moms.
I love my parents. My mom bore me and my 6 siblings, raised me, cooked and cleaned, and nurtured every one of her children. Influencing all of us and now she has the distinct honor of knowing that we are all successful well adjusted adults and most of us are parents now too. My dad was a quiet hard working, always loving, but sometime cranky guy, who taught both his sons and his daughters how to change a tire, shoot a gun, and finish what they started.
My parents both worked while my older brother and I were very small. They worked opposite shifts while my dad got his business off the ground. We were never placed in day care. When my younger brother came along I was 3. My mom quit her paying job and stayed at home full time so she could take on the full time job of raising her children.
While my peers were entering nursery school or pre-school my mom was teaching my siblings and I by example, how to mow a lawn, re-upholster and old chair, tend a garden, preserve food from the garden, read, do math, and interact with people of every age. I was not shipped off to a room filled with my peers, who would do little to advance my current knowledge base. Instead we visited elderly friends in the nursing home, or worked on projects that would be of value to the whole family (sorry, learning how to make that glitter covered piece of paper or macaroni necklace isn't going to feed a family someday).
The author of the blog I read stated that "day care was like heaven".... of course it was. There they had every toy imaginable and there were probably on the upward of 15-20 children per adult. When I grew up we didn't have much money because there was only one income. That meant my siblings and I spent loads of time outdoors. We played in the mud in the spring and had tobogganing parties in the winter. My brother fully restored a truck and my grandfather's jeep while still in high school. We built go carts, and tree houses. We USED our imaginations because we were not handed everything. The other blogger said that daycare is where she learned about "friendship and sharing and flirting." 1. When you grow up your siblings are very likely to be your best friends - I know that mine are. Why not learn to be friends with your family from and early age. I wonder how many kids from daycare she is still friends with. 2. Sharing is easy to do with strangers. Try doing it with the kid you have to share a room with. That's a true test of sharing. 3. I am not sure I want my kids to learn about flirting at daycare. I am pretty sure there are plenty of opportunities at school to try these moves out and furthermore- I don't want my kid to be worrying about romantic relationships before they can handle one. IMHO.
The other blogger (OB from here on out) said she was "mad" when she was pulled out of day care. She said it was because she enjoyed daycare more than any other social activity. Reality check time. In real, grown up life, there is not a great deal of time to just "hang out" with friends. Grown ups work all week, come home, cook dinner, do dishes, laundry, and take care of what ever offspring they created. So bemoaning the fact that your mommy yanked you out of the place where you had NO responsibilities does not sadden me. Children need to start learning from a young age that work is a big part of life. That work might come in the form of physical activities like sports or practicing a musical instrument. Work can be fun if you have the correct attitude. Those "precious" friendships that faded were not helping you grown into an adult.
OB says that some parent are against daycare/babysitters because they fear someone else will be raising their child. She also states that not every family has the luxury of having a stay at home parent and some parent just love their jobs. Yes, I agree that some families are unable to have a one family income. I find many times that that is simply because the PARENTS are not willing to make sacrifices. My husband and I have been a one income family since we had our kids. We have traded the responsibility of who works outside the home and I speak from experience when I say, it is WAY harder to be the stay at home parent. For many years we had only one vehicle. We have been on about 6 dates in the last 7 years. I can not remember the last time I purchased a NEW outfit for me or my children. Christmas means getting one gift...not a boatload of expensive crap that they don't need anyway. I have the "luxury" of staying home because we budget and sacrifice. Because my mom showed me 30 years ago that it is possible to make it work.
The next time a well meaning
In closing I would like to add that the opinions of OB are just that. She has no evidence other than her personal experience of just one woman and how she turned out. I too am just one woman, but I have seen the results of my immediate family of 7 children as well as my mother's 10 siblings (who were raised by a stay at home mom). Not one of us is taking a handout from the government because they can't/won't find a job, none of us have been divorced, been convicted of a crime, or neglected our children. Most of us graduated from college, and those who did not found a trade that they excel at and some are even small business owners. Overall a pretty successful bunch wouldn't you agree. I think that speaks for the power of a stay at home working mom.
I think you pulled out some of the most problematic issues with that other blogger's article. It definitely sounds like she just didn't like having to grow up and change when her mom turned around the family dynamic. And the "luxury" argument always burns me. We're like you, scrimping and making hard choices to make this work. And my parents did the same.
ReplyDeleteI don't want working families to have to feel bad about the choices they've made, or guilty about having to put their kids in daycare or with baby-sitters. Some people genuinely do have to to that, or just want to. But to use it as judgement against stay-at-home parents just doesn't help anybody! And often their "reasons" are not the result of actually knowing what it means to stay at home.
The fact that no one mentioned the cost of daycare is a big issue too. That stuff is freaking expensive! Add in transportation and clothing and other costs of working, and usually it cancels out anyway.